


Time to Soil Your Plants

by TheMangosity



Category: Plants vs Zombies
Genre: Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 13:41:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13055130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMangosity/pseuds/TheMangosity
Summary: Sunflower makes an unexpected friend on a trip to the bathroom.





	Time to Soil Your Plants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NYCScribbler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NYCScribbler/gifts).



> Merry Christmas! I hope you enjoy this story!

It happened one night when all the other plants were nestled all comfy in their pots for a good night’s rest. Sunflower #427 should have been in her pot too, but she really, _REALLY_ had to go to the bathroom. It’s a little known fact that plants need to go to the bathroom too. Sure, normal plants don’t have to, but once you do whatever it is Crazy Dave did to them, weird things start to happen. Like human levels of intelligence and digestive systems that turn sunlight into physical waste.

Sunflower hoped Dave wouldn’t be too mad if he found her creeping around out here in the dead of night. If Dave found out she was out of her pot at this late hour, he would probably put her in the Penalty Pen for a whole day. Sunflower couldn’t stand the thought of being out of the action. She loved fighting the zombies and protecting her owner and the neighbors. It was her duty, her destiny. She couldn’t live with herself if something awful happened to her plant brethren or her human friends on the day she got put in the Penalty Pen.

So she wouldn’t get caught.

She crept around the corner to Crazy Dave’s house, quietly prancing on the tips of her roots. She had to make sure she was good and far enough away from the rest of the plants, otherwise her luminescent waste would wake them up, and probably keep them awake for who knows how long. She kept going for another block before being satisfied that she was far enough away. Nothing over there except—

Sunflower dashed behind some bushes, none of them of the conscious variety, and peered out into the night. She could have sworn she saw…but how? Zombies never came out this late at night. Usually they were too busy partying or planning, as it were. It didn’t make sense for a zombie be out right now.

Across the street, a cat jumped down from a gate, and Sunflower relaxed. Just a cute little cat. She had learned to like cats ever since finding out that zombies detested them. She wasn’t sure why, but the enemy of her enemy was her friend.

Sunflower crept out of her hiding space and looked around to make sure she was all alone. She dug her roots into the earth and hummed her song. She called upon the power of the sun and the earth, and her body began to glow. Slowly, little bits of sunlight started popping out of her. What a relief. It was a shame this sunlight couldn’t be used to power her friends, but hey, she couldn’t always control when the sunlight wanted to come out. The sunlight shimmered on the ground for a little bit before fading away.

“Wow.”

Sunflower freaked out, jumping up and yanking her roots out of the soil. She could have sworn she was alone, but apparently she was wrong. She spun around to face whoever had just said that, half expecting it to be Dave.

She found herself face to face with a zombie. Sunflower screamed.

So did the Zombie. “Wh…what are you doing here?” the zombie shrieked.

Sunflower blinked. “You can talk?”

“Of course I can,” the zombie said, sounding offended. He was a lot more articulate than Sunflower could have ever imagined. “What? Did you think zombies couldn’t talk?”

“Well…yeah,” Sunflower admitted. “All I’ve ever heard you say is ‘brains.’”

“That’s just our battle cry,” the zombie said. “Does everyone really think that’s all we can say?”

“Yeah, sort of. But hey! That’s not point. You aren’t supposed to be here.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to be here either, plant.” The zombie said the word “plant” like it was a curse.

Sunflower gritted her teeth. “You’d better leave or else!”

The zombie laughed. “Or else what? You’re only a Sunflower. I may be a zombie, but I know Sunflowers don’t have combat skills.”

Without warning, Sunflower jumped up and kicked the Zombie in the face. He went toppling over and fell to the ground with a weird crunch. Sunflower jumped on his back and pulled his leg.

“What was that?” Sunflower asked smugly.

“…I stand corrected.”

“What are you even doing here anyway?” Sunflower asked. “Another wave isn’t due for hours.”

“Hey, I don’t have to listen to the schedule. I can do whatever I want.”

“I know how zombies work. They don’t abandon the group unless there’s a really good reason. So what is your reason, zombie?”

“I do have a name, you know.”

“Well, what is it then?”

The zombie cleared his throat. “My name is Jeff.”

“Okay, _Jeff_. What are you doing out here?”

The zombie mumbled something into the dirt.  
  
“What was that?”

“I was trying to find the bathroom.”

Sunflower paused. “Zombies go to the bathroom?”

“Of course we do!” the zombie said, sounding offended again. “Where do you think all the brains go after we eat them? And you’re one to talk. I didn’t know plants pooped out sunlight.”

“We do not _poop out_ sunlight! Sunflowers absorb sunlight, and when there’s a buildup we release it back into the sky.”

“Sure,” the zombie said, sounding totally unimpressed.

Sunflower decided to ignore that. “If you were really trying to find the bathroom, what are you doing here in a human neighborhood? I’m pretty sure there aren’t any zombie bathrooms around here.”

“I got lost. It’s dark, okay? If it’s any consolation, I honestly wasn’t trying to ambush the humans and steal their brains. Will you let me up already? I really have to go to the bathroom.”

Sunflower considered it. “I’ll let you up on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“You let me escort you to the bathroom.”

The zombie looked shocked and appalled. “What? I don’t need to be escorted to the bathroom!”

“Hey, I’m not going to risk you going on a human-hunting spree. Dave would kill me if I let you go.” Of course, Dave was already going to kill her for leaving her pot when she wasn’t supposed to, but hey, if she had stayed asleep she wouldn’t be here catching this zombie intruder.

The zombie grumbled. “Fine then. If it’ll get you off my back.”

Sunflower let him up and the zombie stretched his shoulders. “I’ll have to remember not to mess with Sunflowers.”

“You’d better spread the word, Jeff,” Sunflower said, looking smug. “Now where is this zombie bathroom?”

“Right outside the junkyard,” the zombie said. “But I have no idea how to get there.”

“I do,” Sunflower said. That’s where Dave sometimes went to get ideas for his crazy inventions. “Let’s go.” The sooner she escorted this zombie out of the neighborhood, the sooner she could get back home without Dave noticing she was gone.

Sunflower and the Zombie walked together in really awkward silence. At least the zombie seemed like he really wasn’t here to cause trouble. For a zombie, he didn’t seem all that threatening. Most zombies would have tried to eat her by now.

“So, I’ve been wondering this for a while,” the zombie suddenly said.

“Huh?” Sunflower wasn’t startled to hear the zombie speak, just shocked that he actually had anything to say.

“What are you plants, anyway?”

“Hey, that’s not a nice question! What if I asked ‘what are you zombies’?”

“Isn’t it obvious? We’re zombies.”

“Well, sure,” Sunflower said, “But you’re not actually zombies. Not by the human definition. You’re not undead ex-humans.”

“No, we’re just zombies,” the zombie said, shrugging his shoulders. “We’ve always been around.

“Really?” Sunflower had a hard time believing that one. “If you’ve been around so long then where have you been all this time?”

“Underground.”

“What?” Sunflower narrowed her eyes. “Are you lying to me?”

“No, it’s true! We used to live underground, but then someone discovered the world above, and we’ve been living here ever since.”

“What did you eat before…you know…brains?”

“Tree roots,” the zombie said like it was only natural. “They have all the essentials of a complete zombie diet. Uh…no offence.”

“None taken. I’m barely related to trees.”

“Then what are you related to? I told you where zombies come from. So what are you?”

Sunflower huffed. She supposed it was only fair to tell the zombie her origins. “If you must know, Dave made us by splicing all kinds of genes together. Animals, plants, bugs, you name it. We’re the perfect combination of every species in the world.

“So you’re freaks of nature?”

“Hey! We’re not the ones who go around eating people’s brains!”

“Funny story about that, actually,” the zombie said, sounding a little nervous. “I don’t actually eat brains.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No! Really! I tried brain once. It wasn’t very good. I don’t know what the hype is about.”

Sunflower had never heard a zombie speak so negatively about brains. Granted, she had never heard a zombie speak at all before this night, but still. “If you don’t eat brains, then what do you eat?”

“Tree roots, remember? They’re my favorite. I’ve also been known to eat a vegetable or two.” The zombie paused. “Do those count as plants?”

“Yeah,” Sunflower said. “But we’re not really related to them either so I forgive you.”

“Good to know.” The zombie actually seemed friendly, and Sunflower never thought she would ever think something like that about a zombie. “Wow. You actually believe that I don’t eat brains?”

“Sure. It explains why you don’t have that weird zombie smell like decaying flesh.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“Speaking of decaying flesh, what is that smell?” Sunflower covered her nose with her leaves.

“Oh, we made it to the junkyard,” the zombie said. They were right outside the gates to the junkyard. Sunflower had never actually been to the junkyard, but judging by the smell they were in the right place. She didn’t want to know what it smelled like on the inside.

“How can you stand the smell?” Sunflower asked. This was worse than the time Dave thought it would be a good idea to let Garlic help him with his cow manure experiment.

The zombie laughed at her. “If you think this is bad, you should see the zombie bathrooms.”

“Sorry, you’re on your own, pal.”

“Good. I don’t want you watching me go to the bathroom!” They sort of stared at each other awkwardly before the zombie said, “Uh…I didn’t think I would say this, but thanks for escorting me to the junkyard. You’re not such a bad plant after all.”

“Thanks, Jeff,” Sunflower said, and it shocked her to realize she actually meant it. “You’re not such a bad zombie yourself.”

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I really have to go to the bathroom! See you around!”

With that, the zombie dashed into the junkyard faster than she’d ever seen a zombie run. She didn’t even realize Zombies could run at all. Without wasting another second, Sunflower ran probably faster than the zombie to get as far away from the junkyard as she possibly could. She only stopped running once she was back in fresh air.

“What a weird night,” she said to herself. Who knew the zombies could be so friendly? Who knew the zombies could talk? She was positive no one at home would believe her if she told them what happened. She’s not sure she would believe it if someone told her this story.

 _Maybe I just won’t tell them_ , Sunflower thought as she started on her way home. _There’s no telling what they would think. Especially Dave…_

“Aha! There you are!”

Sunflower freaked out for the second time that night and whirled to face Crazy Dave.

“H-Hi, Dave,” Sunflower said, waving weakly.

“Sneaking out after curfew, are you?” Dave asked, looking both threatening and comical at the same time. “You weren’t out fraternizing with the enemy, were you?”

“Uh…” Sunflower began to sweat. Her mind raced to come up with an explanation for why she had been so friendly with a zombie until Dave laughed.

“I’m just kidding. Zombies aren’t smart enough to fraternize.”

Sunflower laughed nervously. “Yeah. Those zombies sure are dumb.”

Dave laughed again. “Let me guess. You were going to the bathroom, right?”

“Yeah,” Sunflower said, relieved that she wouldn’t have to lie. “Are you going to put me in the Penalty Pen tomorrow?”

“Of course not,” Dave said. “I need every last one of you to combat the zombie menace. I only say that so no one will want to leave their pots. It’s dangerous out here! I wouldn’t want any of you to get eaten by a zombie!” He looked down at her with a kind and oddly lucid gleam in his eye. “But I’ll forgive you since you had to go to the bathroom. The sunlight’s gotta come out sometime.”

“Thanks,” Sunflower said.

“Come along then. We have a big day tomorrow.”     

Sunflower followed Dave home as he babbled about his latest plans and strategies to defeat the zombies, but sunflower wasn’t really listening. She was too busy thinking about her new zombie friend. Could she really consider him a friend? They were sort of supposed to be sworn enemies, but she decided that the answer was yes. She had a feeling she would be sneaking out to go to the bathroom for many nights to come. The sunlight’s gotta go somewhere, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story! I knew right away that I wanted to name this "Time to Soil Your Plants," but I think I was inspired by that more than I realized! :D I've actually never written for Plants vs. Zombies before, but I've always wanted to, so I'm really glad I got you as my assignment. Merry Christmas and Happy Yuletide!


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